Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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