I wanna bring you to show and tell
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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