You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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