Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
