just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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