I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
