Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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