you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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