In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
