You really coming over, don't trick.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
