How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
