just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
