I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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