I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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