Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
