Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
