Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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