More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
