you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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