I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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