I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
