Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
