Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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