I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
