You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
