I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
