I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We talked him into tasing himself.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
sex in a hospital.. check
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
