I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
