My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
