how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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