he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
