i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
