I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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