So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
