no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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