Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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