My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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