I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
