Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
