I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
