i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
