My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
