Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
