i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
