I could make wine with my vomit
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
nutella sex= disaster
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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