soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
