dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
