Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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