So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
