i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
